Repent?

After what happened last night, I just kept thinking of the worst that could happen. I can't help it. It's like everytime I place myself in yr position, I can imagine the mixed feelings. Not to mention the sensitive and fragile you. But now that I've bared all, I guess there's nothing holding me back already. Maybe its a weird way of letting me know that I waited too long to tell you? Maybe its a weird way of letting me know that it was the right time to tell you? Nah it couldn't have been the right time because if it was, I won't feel so much remorse. Or rather is it the remorse of my past or remorse of not telling you? Both.

I guess there's no point dwelling in it. Now to look forward. Just don't repeat it and I should be safe. I can safely say that I'm no longer hiding anything already. I'm clean. I'm bare =)

I would like to say something about myself over the past one year. From the moment I quit, till the moment I found myself a job, got really lucky to meet colleagues whom are nice to me, at the end, got myself a promotion, but of coz, none is as significant as being with you. The best thing that happened to me. I would say last year treated me fairly well. Because you walked into my life. I would wanna say this to you yesterday but I figured that the timing wasn't appropriate? I guess I'll just write it here. Chances are you might see this, chances are you might not. But you know, that I do cherish you.

You said it again last night that I never mentioned about your positive traits. I know you are sensitive, you are very particular about your bad traits, you are very paiseh with even your sweat smell, or your garlic breath. Maybe its your upbringing that everytime everyone always hits on yr negative traits. That's why you'd expect yr bf to never hit on it and always remind you of your good side. I know where you are coming from. But its hard to explain how I feel. I am never really bothered by your negative traits. Everyone has their flaws. But did it ever occur to you that some might be attractive flaws? Doesn't sound right, I know, but it does happens. It comes with the whole package. I love when whenever you amplify my feelings, i.e. I'm sad you're sad, I'm happy and you give me that smile (I really really love it). Or times when people ask you to do things and you can't do it and you'd feel bad. I love that innocence. I love that kind hearted'ness. I love that naiveness. Its not something that you can find already nowadays. But along with it comes the over-sensitiveness, the reluctance to say no, the part of you where you are easily taken advantaged of. I love it that you are always so blur and make funny mistakes and then there are the funny reactions. But along with that comes that part of you in which you say that I'm saying you are a bimbo and are affected by something that you did (everytime also you say one...). I've always said it. I'm never laughing at you, I'm always laughing with you.

It's not always all about the good traits because I believe along with it there are something else attached to it as well. It's all embedded in you. It's about you. And that is all I'm up for. Your company. Everytime you are with me. You always ask me to say about your positive stuff. But what if your positive stuff to me is a negative stuff to you? I always say that you should be independent, stand up for yourself and to voice out yrself more often. No doubt I'd love you to become an independent woman, saying all that you feel so that people would not take advantage of you. That why I'm always telling you about you because I feel that it'll take away those misery and depression stored within you. I'm very 'kan cheong' for you. But I guess along with it comes that part of me who will just want to protect you, be there shielding you of whatever obstacle that comes along. Good or bad? I dunno. There's part of me who just wants to spoil you and part of me who just wants to not spoil you. I just know that I love you for who you are. I love your company. That's all that matters.

Flaws?

It just hit me wide open. The moment you said that all along I've only mentioned the bad things about you, I never once mentioned any good things about you. Although I did recall this one time during one of our phone conversations of 'points that would make me attracted to you', I mentioned one of your good points that you have the most innocent personality ever. But to throw that out again would be pathetic, like you said, all along I've only mentioned your bad points. To add insult to injury was that you told me to stop trying. It felt bad. Really bad. I was too disgraced to even mentioned that it came out of good intention, that is to just help you correct the 'flaws' so that you will no longer be taken advantaged off and know how to stand on your own feet. The point is, I never mentioned anything good about you, to you.

To be at the receiving end of constant demoralising reminders on all the bad points of myself would be indeed, nothing to look forward to, especially after a bad day at work.

"You don't know how to cheer me up one. One major flaw from you". Completely dumbfounded.
Dead. A huge stomp on the head.

Many things crossed my mind the moment these few comments came up. No point me trying to save skin by coming up with something pathetic. Its best to just shut it, and reflect on what I said so that I don't repeat it and create another situation like this.

Now I'm here trying to recall the awkward moment.

First. All your flaws. Gosh. I don't know why I'm starting with flaws again. But, really. Maybe all your constant complains just land me with all the flaws that occur to me. All the conclusions drawn from yr personality. I did conclude all yr flaws in that inter-related statement I made just now prior to the mere mention that one statement which initiated this post. I really feel like writing you a sms explaining myself but I don't want to make just rub it more and somehow or rather make matters worst. I guess that 'you can stop trying' freaked me out. No point digging my grave even deeper.

Then I thought about the stuff you would like to hear, all your good stuff which attracted me, in which I failed to tell you all along. I know you keep insisting that you don't have any good stuff to mentioned and I keep opposing the fact that everything you are, are just bad news. No. You are not like that. Thats what's pulling your confidence level down. That's whats dropping your self esteem. What caught me most about you was that innocent and pure heart of yours. That naiveness. That obliging you. That you whom will always want to be there to share someone's happiness, or someone's sadness. The you whom will always put yourself at a disadvantage to please other people, and not let other people be disappointed. I won't go into those details like what you said about me. Know how to sweet talk, will be a caring man, know how to be faithful, etc etc. I will not also go into details of my flaws such as I am the only son, I snore, etc etc etc. To me, seriously what captured me was just who you are. That little princess with all those flaws whom I will want to protect, I don't want anybody to take advantage of. Just because of your naiveness, doesn't mean people can take you for granted.

I constantly remind you of your flaws but I am not complaining. I loved you for who you are. I adore your every reaction. Every smile of yours lightens my day and every sadness emitted just dampens my heart. I just want to be there with you. I appreciate all your flaws. I am doing all these because, since day 1, I'm always helping you and asking you to stand on your own two feet. Not to be dependent, not to be always reliable on other people and eventually, let people take advantage of you. Why? Cause you are that little girl who will rely on them and be obliged to do things they demand, which was how you caught yourself in hot water all the time. Then you will start to feel bad about yourself and thus, be depressed.

To put that into words to be used for times like just now? I won't know how to do it because it is certainly not a good way to turn a bad day into a good one. I realise that I'm not being a good boyfriend by letting you know how good you are and always saying how bad you are. I realise that I'm not that good in cheering people up, 'tum' you, so to speak. I also realise that it is only when you say it only I will realise it and you'll get the impression that I'm only doing according to what you say, no initiative taken. I will seek to improve myself in that area. I will be more sensitive in the things that I do, and make the attempt to cheer you better than the job that I am doing now. I am learning.

Just like...Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do...Ti La So Fa Mi Re Do...=)

I love you babe.

Rain Vs. sunrise

3.51AM

Long night yesterday, er by that I meant Monday night because I don't know what day it is exactly today. I'll sum it up in a couple of words. Kinda blur atm after sleeping for 2pm-3am = 13hours...

Tokyo Drift.
Pancake House.
Karaoke Session.
Journey to GC.
Mahjong Lesson.
Rain = no sunrise.
More Mahjong.
More rain.
Home.
Coma.

That's basically it. Haven't had this kinda night since 2004 already, well apart from those late nights I endured doing studies/projects/gaming, it has been a while. Tokyo Drift was good, one of the better movies I've watched this year. Better than X-Men and Da Vinci's. I've seen enough previews of Superman Returns, SHOW ME THE FKING MOVIE ALREADY! dammit. It better not be another movie to add into the 'Huge-Disappointment-After-Eager-Anticipation' Movie list, which includes X-Men3 and Da Vinci's.

Sweden vs England in an hour. Hopefully England loses :)

Inconsiderate Brat(s)

2.06PM

Here I am sitting in the masters's lab, staring at my comp screen that has pen marks "artisticly" smeered all over it. Notice the inverted commas. Also notice that I mentioned that I AM IN THE FREAKING MASTERS'S LAB FOR FREAKING MASTERS STUDENT. Yet I see pen marks drawn all over the monitor and keyboard. WTF? Some ppl just never learn to respect properties of other people's shit. I seriously hope that they (he/she/it) get paint or some shit sprayed all over their coffin with no slighest bit of regret from vandalism. This stupid shit is also preventing me from using my own writing utensils, lest I'm being accused and then ended up 吃死猫 for some shit.

4-5hours of sleep each attempt and I'm in such a "wonderful" mood. Notice the inverted commas. All the stress accumulated over the days, since Tuesday I reckon, has taken its toll. My appetiteless sensation has returned, and I'm lost for words in construction of my thoughts. Screw it. I'm going to finish my project, hand it in, get over my last exam and begin my solitary confinement for dwelling...

But first I needa take a shit. There better be toilet paper in the freaking toilet...

Keep on moving...

1.51AM

Everything that followed was supposed to be signs of what will happen next. Many people failed to see those signs, thus failing to see what is coming for them. Why? Some blinded by the fact that they are unwilling to accept the fact, or are just afraid about the truth, certain truths. I am both. I used to tell other people about accepting the fact and move on, don't keep dwelling on the past that is not worth your time, when the signs preceding the situation emerges and just learn to handle the eventual circumstances. I know I'm very much a 有口说人没口说自己 person. The signs laid before me were apparent, just that I kept telling myself it wasn't the case and that there's another perspective in the events. It was just a simple as it has happened, and I myself complicated it, by thinking too much. Sigh @ Me.

Three things bothering me currently. One is money. I'll have to look for a job after my exams to finance myself of the expenses over the course of June-July because my stash has been drained by the NZ trip in August and I'll be needing more for it as well. Sigh @ not being able to buy a digital camera.

Secondly this only happened on Tuesday, which is my dismal effort at EFN505 Financial Risk Management exam paper. The hardest and earliest out of the exams that I have. I flunked it. Went up to Vlad immediately after the exam to ask for any possibilities that I can make up for that exam paper to pass this subject, like sitting for the deferred exam. The idea of staying behind for another sem just for one subject is totally nuts, and if supplementary assessment is applicable, I will have to go through all those VAR and shit again for my last shot at it.

Thirdly, this incident has been floating around since this year, but certified as of today, which is you, and getting over you. Enough said. I'm still reluctant, and think there is still hope. Its just hard to suppress it. Sigh @ 希望越大，失望越大...Screw it. My 執着'ness and my 自欺欺人 skills are just...staggering.

Revival...

6.04PM.

Blogging has returned now that I've quit WoW (almost 2weeks ago). Lets mark this revival celebration with one phrase that I learnt from Sze not too long ago...

"要同一个男人相处得开心，只需了解他而唔需要爱他。。相反，要同一个女人相处得开心，你一定要爱她，但别妄想能完全了解她"

Here's for you 'banana' people.
"In order to interact happily with Guys, you'll just have to understand him, and not love him. On the contrary, to interact happily with Girls, you'll have to love her, because it is almost impossible to understand her."

How true is that?

I'll continue when I have the time, which is when I'm not procrastinating about my project, and exams which are due in 2weeks' time.

You

1.17PM God damn Blogger went down so I had to retype everything from scratch =.= Came to work to find out that my boss is not around. I didn't wake up at 7.30AM for this shit. Surfed every single website there is..er allowed to surf, and being the only one looking like a dumbass in the entire floor with nothing to do, staring at my screen. Visited Friendster and my forecast for today was:

Despite the quietness of the day, you will not be bored. It's time you had a break.

Yeah right...

Time to recap what happened during the CNY week. Apart from gambling and winning big bucks, non-stop collection of angpows, I went to Penang to visit my Dad and cousins and collected more angpows, gambled even more, gambled again when I came back to K.L., visited places, entertained visitors, had mum issues, no no that's mum's issues, ate all sorts of CNY jun....er goodies, preparing myself to die of high level sugar content because of all the packet and canned drinks that I consumed over this period, seen Graeme Souness get sacked as Newcastle manager, seen Alan Shearer score his 201st goal for Newcastle and being the top scorer for the club, reloaded my WoW after being inactive for almost a month in which I'm very glad I to say I'm back! (No WoW, No Life!), and then, it's about you.

The picture that I'm getting from you can very well be depicted from James Blunt's You're Beautiful. But when I dedicated the song to you, you seemed surprised. Were you? I don't know, from recent events and conversations, I could just feel the distance. It's cold. I certainly hope to you hear say to me "you think you're so crever" again...

You're Beautiful
by: James Blunt
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

What are you actually thinking? The past month or so have been weird. I couldn't comprehend the conclusion of events or how the situation evolved until. Am I "Just a friend"? I blame myself for not reacting in a way I should have. Things don't exactly cross my mind after I've actually thought about it over time. And then...It's not that I can't wait, I don't mind waiting, but just what is it that I'm waiting for?