Repent?

After what happened last night, I just kept thinking of the worst that could happen. I can't help it. It's like everytime I place myself in yr position, I can imagine the mixed feelings. Not to mention the sensitive and fragile you. But now that I've bared all, I guess there's nothing holding me back already. Maybe its a weird way of letting me know that I waited too long to tell you? Maybe its a weird way of letting me know that it was the right time to tell you? Nah it couldn't have been the right time because if it was, I won't feel so much remorse. Or rather is it the remorse of my past or remorse of not telling you? Both.

I guess there's no point dwelling in it. Now to look forward. Just don't repeat it and I should be safe. I can safely say that I'm no longer hiding anything already. I'm clean. I'm bare =)

I would like to say something about myself over the past one year. From the moment I quit, till the moment I found myself a job, got really lucky to meet colleagues whom are nice to me, at the end, got myself a promotion, but of coz, none is as significant as being with you. The best thing that happened to me. I would say last year treated me fairly well. Because you walked into my life. I would wanna say this to you yesterday but I figured that the timing wasn't appropriate? I guess I'll just write it here. Chances are you might see this, chances are you might not. But you know, that I do cherish you.

You said it again last night that I never mentioned about your positive traits. I know you are sensitive, you are very particular about your bad traits, you are very paiseh with even your sweat smell, or your garlic breath. Maybe its your upbringing that everytime everyone always hits on yr negative traits. That's why you'd expect yr bf to never hit on it and always remind you of your good side. I know where you are coming from. But its hard to explain how I feel. I am never really bothered by your negative traits. Everyone has their flaws. But did it ever occur to you that some might be attractive flaws? Doesn't sound right, I know, but it does happens. It comes with the whole package. I love when whenever you amplify my feelings, i.e. I'm sad you're sad, I'm happy and you give me that smile (I really really love it). Or times when people ask you to do things and you can't do it and you'd feel bad. I love that innocence. I love that kind hearted'ness. I love that naiveness. Its not something that you can find already nowadays. But along with it comes the over-sensitiveness, the reluctance to say no, the part of you where you are easily taken advantaged of. I love it that you are always so blur and make funny mistakes and then there are the funny reactions. But along with that comes that part of you in which you say that I'm saying you are a bimbo and are affected by something that you did (everytime also you say one...). I've always said it. I'm never laughing at you, I'm always laughing with you.

It's not always all about the good traits because I believe along with it there are something else attached to it as well. It's all embedded in you. It's about you. And that is all I'm up for. Your company. Everytime you are with me. You always ask me to say about your positive stuff. But what if your positive stuff to me is a negative stuff to you? I always say that you should be independent, stand up for yourself and to voice out yrself more often. No doubt I'd love you to become an independent woman, saying all that you feel so that people would not take advantage of you. That why I'm always telling you about you because I feel that it'll take away those misery and depression stored within you. I'm very 'kan cheong' for you. But I guess along with it comes that part of me who will just want to protect you, be there shielding you of whatever obstacle that comes along. Good or bad? I dunno. There's part of me who just wants to spoil you and part of me who just wants to not spoil you. I just know that I love you for who you are. I love your company. That's all that matters.

Flaws?

It just hit me wide open. The moment you said that all along I've only mentioned the bad things about you, I never once mentioned any good things about you. Although I did recall this one time during one of our phone conversations of 'points that would make me attracted to you', I mentioned one of your good points that you have the most innocent personality ever. But to throw that out again would be pathetic, like you said, all along I've only mentioned your bad points. To add insult to injury was that you told me to stop trying. It felt bad. Really bad. I was too disgraced to even mentioned that it came out of good intention, that is to just help you correct the 'flaws' so that you will no longer be taken advantaged off and know how to stand on your own feet. The point is, I never mentioned anything good about you, to you.

To be at the receiving end of constant demoralising reminders on all the bad points of myself would be indeed, nothing to look forward to, especially after a bad day at work.

"You don't know how to cheer me up one. One major flaw from you". Completely dumbfounded.
Dead. A huge stomp on the head.

Many things crossed my mind the moment these few comments came up. No point me trying to save skin by coming up with something pathetic. Its best to just shut it, and reflect on what I said so that I don't repeat it and create another situation like this.

Now I'm here trying to recall the awkward moment.

First. All your flaws. Gosh. I don't know why I'm starting with flaws again. But, really. Maybe all your constant complains just land me with all the flaws that occur to me. All the conclusions drawn from yr personality. I did conclude all yr flaws in that inter-related statement I made just now prior to the mere mention that one statement which initiated this post. I really feel like writing you a sms explaining myself but I don't want to make just rub it more and somehow or rather make matters worst. I guess that 'you can stop trying' freaked me out. No point digging my grave even deeper.

Then I thought about the stuff you would like to hear, all your good stuff which attracted me, in which I failed to tell you all along. I know you keep insisting that you don't have any good stuff to mentioned and I keep opposing the fact that everything you are, are just bad news. No. You are not like that. Thats what's pulling your confidence level down. That's whats dropping your self esteem. What caught me most about you was that innocent and pure heart of yours. That naiveness. That obliging you. That you whom will always want to be there to share someone's happiness, or someone's sadness. The you whom will always put yourself at a disadvantage to please other people, and not let other people be disappointed. I won't go into those details like what you said about me. Know how to sweet talk, will be a caring man, know how to be faithful, etc etc. I will not also go into details of my flaws such as I am the only son, I snore, etc etc etc. To me, seriously what captured me was just who you are. That little princess with all those flaws whom I will want to protect, I don't want anybody to take advantage of. Just because of your naiveness, doesn't mean people can take you for granted.

I constantly remind you of your flaws but I am not complaining. I loved you for who you are. I adore your every reaction. Every smile of yours lightens my day and every sadness emitted just dampens my heart. I just want to be there with you. I appreciate all your flaws. I am doing all these because, since day 1, I'm always helping you and asking you to stand on your own two feet. Not to be dependent, not to be always reliable on other people and eventually, let people take advantage of you. Why? Cause you are that little girl who will rely on them and be obliged to do things they demand, which was how you caught yourself in hot water all the time. Then you will start to feel bad about yourself and thus, be depressed.

To put that into words to be used for times like just now? I won't know how to do it because it is certainly not a good way to turn a bad day into a good one. I realise that I'm not being a good boyfriend by letting you know how good you are and always saying how bad you are. I realise that I'm not that good in cheering people up, 'tum' you, so to speak. I also realise that it is only when you say it only I will realise it and you'll get the impression that I'm only doing according to what you say, no initiative taken. I will seek to improve myself in that area. I will be more sensitive in the things that I do, and make the attempt to cheer you better than the job that I am doing now. I am learning.

Just like...Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do...Ti La So Fa Mi Re Do...=)

I love you babe.